How having an unconventional mother made me a feminist
Growing up, my mother seemed somewhat different to the moms in movies and sitcoms that filled my Saturday mornings and afternoons throughout high school.
She (like many other black women trying to prove themselves in post-Apartheid South Africa) couldn’t afford to take time off work to join the Parent, Teacher Association or come watch her daughter play hockey or even pack my school lunches.
But, later I realized that she was even different to the mothers of my fellow black friends. She was an unconventional mother and because of that, I became a feminist.
My mother, through her conscious and subconscious words and actions, taught me the following lessons about feminism:
She taught me that body positivity can only start with you
My biggest critic when it comes to my body has always been my mother. She, admittedly, hates fat! on her body, mine and everyone elses!
My mom’s words (not forgetting the media's role) throughout my fluctuating and continuous years of weight gain continue to affect how I view my body and self. I have to constantly remind myself that no love-handle defines me or any woman and that to truly love myself I have to learn to love me and my body first, before anyone else.
PS- This still doesn't stop me from sometime's lusting over those iron-abs on Crossfit maniacs on the IG! But, I'm a work in progress.
She taught me about consent
I am reminded of a tradition that occurs during puberty in my household and in many other black households in South Africa. Once a girl gets to the age where she starts growing boobs (yes-BOOBS!) she is silently woken up one morning and taken outside to have a ritual that supposedly stops her boobs from growing because god forbid that she have big boobs.
Anyway, my time came to have this ritual, my Mama woke me and I politely refused to adhere. She, adamantly, tried again the next morning where I (once again) refused. This was not because I wanted big boobs but merely because I didn’t believe in the ritual and saw nothing wrong with a woman’s body growing to what it would.
Although my mother’s eyes showed nothing but disappointment, this was the very first time that I felt like I owned my body. That nobody, including her, could shame me into doing anything with it that I did not want to.
She taught me that feminism comes in many forms
Feminists are said to share the belief that we deserve equal opportunities and rights — but, beyond that, there's no one "correct" way to be a feminist.
My mom’s choice to dedicate most of her life to building a career rather than building a home was one of the most feminist things she could do. She does not cook, clean or do anything that is "expected" of a woman unless she feels like it!
Feminism is all about choice — and her example showed me that everyone from stay-at-home moms to CEOs can be feminists.
She taught me to see other women as allies, not enemies
Coming from a family of 4 girls, with me being the youngest, my mom taught me that when women work together, amazing things happen.
I could say that my older sisters also raised me and often played a mothering role to me when my mother couldn’t or didn’t know how to.
This made me realize that we, as women, are all different with different needs, wants and strengths and therefore need to lean on each other and I'm thankful that my mother surrounded me with those women.
She taught me the importance of voting
My mother’s fond interest in politics and governance was one of the main reason that I could not wait to register to vote when I turned 18, which felt like a feminist act to me — after all, the only reason I can is because many brave women fought hard and sacrificed a lot to secure my right to vote.
She emphasized to me how important it was for my voice to be heard politically because it is those results and what follow that have a direct and indirect impact on my life.
She taught me to do whatever I want with my life (even if it meant doing it alone)
My mother is one of the most independent women I know. She does not refrain from doing something merely because she had nobody to do it with.
Instead, she reminds me that “in life we (are in most cases) born alone and will die alone” don’t let that stop you from doing what you want.
Although she has taught me this, I can still see that little bit of fear in her when she sees me following my heart or even taking 'risky' decisions about my career and future.
My mother’s way of raising me was far from conventional. Although I have shed many tears over her words or actions and sometimes wish that she could just be like all the other moms, I now smile and embrace her for who she has authentically been. It is because of my mothers early contribution in my life that influenced the unapologetic, strong and independent black feminist that I am today.
I guess "We all are a little broken [yes, even the best moms]...and that's okay! That is what makes us human. That is what makes us unhappily content.
